Okay boys and girls. This blog is a little out there, and uses some descriptions that you may not be comfortable with. If you're easily offended, go ahead and hit that little red X in the top right hand corner now.

When I got pregnant, I expected certain things to take place. You hear of the cravings, the frequent bathroom breaks, the hormones, and hot flashes... blah blah blah. But, what I'm here to inform you of, are the things that you DON'T hear about. We are all mature adults here, and so I'm not going to beat around the bush and hold back my thoughts.

 Beware: You're entering my brain. It's a very scary place- especially right now.

 "The Stuff They Don't Tell You..."

•      When you feel the urge to wet your pants, and you dash to the bathroom, only a few tablespoons of urine comes out.

·         If you’re drinking enough water, you WILL pee every couple of hours or more throughout the day.

·         It will take you longer to get ready because each week, the clothes that might have fit the week before fit in an entirely different way.

·         Your feet can grow- and I hear they don’t go back to their orginal size. Not good for those of us with skis...

·         That you have uncontrollable gas. Seriously, like someone sneaks up behind you and passes gas, and you hear it, but know that it couldn’t possibly have been you.

·         You now have a temporary tattoo on your forehead that reads, “Please, my life will not be complete unless you give me the advice that you think I must have to grow my unborn child.”

·         That animals and babies have a sense that your pregnant. My dog Blue has become very protective over me, and seems to be more affectionate way more affectionate.

·         They DO tell you that you’ll be emotional, but you can’t possibly understand it until you’ve been through it.

·         That you can no longer landscape the nether regions. It’s a good thing that I wasn’t big and pregnant during the summer months. I didn’t realize how difficult it would be to keep my bikini line in check when I couldn’t see it.

·         That TUMS become a placebo pill that have no effect on the volcano erupting inside of your chest.

·         You might cry yourself to sleep some nights because you see the fun your friends are having with their carefree lifestyle- and although you wouldn’t trade your baby for anything in the world, it would be nice to be able to go out and just let loose.

·         That you develop a completely different perspective of your mom, your grandmother, your mother in law, or anyone else who has ever carried a child for 10 months, and then given birth to it. It’s a different level of love and respect than you can imagine.

·         The smallest things, such as a diaper commercial, or a sonogram picture, will make you cry.

·         That even in December, it is possible to be surrounded by people wearing layers of warm clothing, and still be dripping with sweat. It is normal, and it will happen. Again, I’m thankful I’m big and pregnant during these winter months.

·         You can get away with more than you used to because of, “your condition”. It’s like a terminal illness, I swear. This is a double edged sword though. You are also incapable of doing anything, and require help for absolutely everything. (;-))

·         Going to Wal-Mart is an event you have to prepare for. Take plenty of fluids, a snack or two, make sure you have a predetermined resting area, and always AlWaYs ALWAYS make sure someone will be home to help you carry and put away the groceries once you make it to your final destination.

·         You will compare yourself to other women who are pregnant, and wonder if what you’re going through is normal.

·         You will find that you can insert something about being pregnant into any conversation.

·         You will also find distance in some of your friendships. Sad, but true.

·         That you will spend hours throughout the day dreaming about what your baby will look like.

·         That it is terrifying to transition from daughter to mother.

·         That getting up off of the couch, in or out of a vehicle (Pick-up trucks especially), or in/out of the bathtub becomes a task that you sometimes need assistance in doing.

·         That some or most of your shame has to go out the window.

·         That you can’t be shy, and you have to ask for help.

·         That your face once again looks like you’re an adolescent male going through puberty.

·         You might have  rage toward anyone who minutely threatens the life of your child. Example: If someone cuts you off on the highway, or steals your parking spot forcing you to walk further to get into the store. “Excuse me?! Do you not know that I’m busy growing another human being in here?! Geez!!!”

·         That for the rest of your life, you will have something to worry about. This begins with the fear of miscarriage, and never. ever. ends. (I’m told.)

·         You shouldn’t be alarmed with Niagara Falls that is now in between your legs. It is normal. It is gross. And you have to just accept it, and be thankful it’s getting ready to lubricate itself for the labouring process.

·         That your hands swell, and you lose the identity of being a wife and college graduate because you can’t wear your rings anymore.

·         You are expected to pop back into your pre baby body thanks to our wonderful society and the view we have of women. (Thanks Jennifer Lopez).

·         You might slowly begin to detach yourself from your body. It isn’t yours anymore, but someone else’s. It can be quite depressing, and it is very VERY important to keep in mind that after this marathon of a race, the prize at the end is worth it all.

·         That cute little number that always turned your husband’s head, won’t fit for a while, and that’s okay.

·         SO you all obviously know that I had to have done the dirty to create this little miracle, so I'm going to enlighten you on how THAT aspect of my life has changed. (Again- quit reading if you're are easily offended.) On my top ten list:

o     1. It's different. Not bad. Just different. 

o    2. It's like someone is squeezing every bit of air out of your lungs and as hard as you try to catch your breath,- you can't.

o    3. You have a big belly in the way now. That makes things incredibly difficult in itself.

o    4. Limited positions.

o    5. Lots of laughing will keep a happy marriage.

o    6. Lot of patience will keep a happy marriage.

o    7. It isn't funny to your husband to tell him you can feel the baby moving while you're in the heat of the moment. (I've been told... :-/ )

o    8. It becomes more difficult for both of you to focus because you don't want to "hurt the baby".

o    9. If the baby moves mid moment, and your husband can see it move, it's usually best to continue at a later time.

o    10. I've learned to sacrifice. :-)

More of, "The Stuff They Don't Tell You..."

·         That it is near impossible to get comfortable for extended periods of time while trying to sleep at night.

·         You wake up many times during the night to pee. If you don’t, you’re not drinking enough water!

·         That your nipples get darker, and bigger.

·         You might start snoring, even if you’ve never done so before.

·         Certain foods that didn’t bother you before, bother you now. Smells, textures, flavors, and HeArTbUrN!!!

·         It is probable that you will crave alcohol, and be judged if you have an ounce or two of wine. (Be careful on this one. My doc said it was ok, {Hello Europe!!!} but some people are SUPER rude when it comes to this topic.)

·         That you’ll seek compliments from your husband when it’s really your own self approval you’re seeking.

·         That staring into an empty crib and nursery for many, many minutes day dreaming about your baby is normal.

·         Watching a movie can be replaced with watching the waves of your unborn child  moving inside of your belly.

·         It is scary to think that you’re now responsible for another human being.

·         That suddenly, you feel the need to clean your entire house, and no matter who tried to stop you, you MUST get it done by a certain time. This is known as, “Nesting”, and is very VERY real.

·         Tears of joy will flow from your eyes when you find yourself sitting in the nursery late at night just thinking of what life will be like in a few months.

·         That the things that used to seem like massive ordeals, truly aren’t as upsetting as they once were.

I plan on adding to this blog as my pregnancy continues. I have 5 weeks left, and am finally feeling pregnant. I've gained 40 pounds, and still struggle when people argue with me on that. Seriously. Why would I make that up?! I finished up a semester in grad school, and am off until February. I have an AMAZING advisor who is willing to keep me and Maddison healthy mentally as well as physically.

I'll probably add more to this blog later, but for now, I hope you enjoyed reading "The Stuff They Don't Tell You..."

30 weeks

32 weeks

34 weeks

Keep praying. IT'S WORKING!!!