I realized today that it has been exactly one month since I last blogged. How does this happen? I don’t have kids to distract me, or a job, but there is one thing I do have: grad school. Ah yes… My zest to further my education has put other enjoyable things- like blogging, on the back burner. I am guessing that my blogs will become few and far between once my little eggplant arrives.
I will try and cover the hot topics that occurred in the past month but I know I will miss a few things. For starters, I interviewed a few paediatricians to see who would be best qualified to take care of my little miracle once she makes her debut. Now I know I am not the first mother ever, but I am positive that you ladies reading this share the feeling I have when I say that I want ONLY THE BEST CARE AVAILABLE when she needs it. After much consideration, I think James and I have chosen to use Dr. Lovette in Decatur. She exceeds my expectations not only as a doctor, but as a woman, a mother, a Christian, and an all around human being.
Since my last blog, I have learned a few of life’s rough lessons. My husband has begun traveling to South Texas, (yes- the dangerous parts), for work, and that leaves a pregnant wife home with many what-if’s running though her little head. Living on this big ranch like we do, it can be scary in my king sized bed at night. I won’t lie- I sleep with a few lights on when he is gone. Not sure why. It isn’t like a light is going to repel an axe murderer. I suppose I would like to see the murderer’s face just before he kills me. (My morbid thought process…) I have my protectors outside to alert me when something isn’t right. Blue and our newest family member, Bandit are pretty good about telling me when something isn’t right.
I have learned how to survive when James is out of town. I also have learned a few secrets to a happier marriage. Listen closely ladies: If your husband feels respected, then you will feel loved. If you feel loved, then your husband will feel respected. Now, don’t quote me on this, but if you truly think about it, it makes so much sense. I have learned how to show my husband the respect he deserves, and once I did, our marriage- which wasn’t bad by any means- began to improve. It’s amazing what happens when you let go and let God. (Again, I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason!!! With Jim being gone more often, and my next few stories, I think that you will understand a bit more. That being said, I want to share this picture. I struggled with putting it out here for everyone to see, but it just might be the most beautiful personal picture I have ever seen.
James got home from South Texas in one piece, and on Sunday night, I began having some sharp pains in my side. It was a few inches from my belly button, and Maddison was still moving so I went ahead and shrugged it off and went to bed. By 4:00 in the morning, I was ready to hit the local emergency room, but instead I got up and researched what exactly could be going on inside of me. I allowed Web MD to diagnose me with appendicitis, Braxton Hicks, or pre-term labor. By 9:00 am, I was calling my doctor to ask her what could be wrong. James went ahead and went into work and asked me to keep him updated. I didn’t want to be alone, so what did I do? You know me too well…
My mom was over within minutes, and by this time, it was 11:00. I was extremely concerned that my doctor hadn't returned my call, so I called back. Apparently, their phones were down and they hadn't gotten my message. My doctor wanted me to come in immediately because she thought it sounded like I was having contractions. I faaareaked out and within 10 minutes, James was in the driveway and we were headed to Fort Worth. I was hooked up to several machines and it was confirmed that Maddison was not planning on making a debut at this point. My doctor did a cervical exam, (which was uncomfortable, but funny only because James was in the room and had never witnessed this before). She was testing for something called Fetal Fibronectin.
With all of the thoughts going though my head, I didn’t pay attention to what she was testing for. She ordered a sonogram, and that was when we found out what was wrong. “You’ve somehow torn a muscle in the lining of your abdominal wall.” What?! How does this even happen? I didn’t know that it was possible, but I accepted it, and asked what we needed to do now. “You need to relax, and take it easy for a couple of weeks. This muscle needs to heal, or you will definitely be miserable for the next few months.” I left with a huge peace of mind, and knew that Maddison had 3 more months to bake in my oven.
I went home and rested, and then got up the next day for class. Let me give you a glimpse into my Tuesday and Wednesday’s this semester. I get up and 5:30 and get ready for the day. I leave my house by 6:45 to head toward Denton. I arrive in Denton around 7:45-8:00 and prepare for my first client at 8:15. I have several clients, and am usually finished about 1:30 or 2:00. From there, I head over to TWU library and finish up any last minute touches on assignments, or research items that are due soon. Class starts at 5:30 and ends at 8:20. I am usually in my truck by 8:30ish, and pulling into my driveway by 10:00. That seemed doable to me- when I wasn’t pregnant!
So, on this particular Tuesday, I am in Denton by 8:00, have my clients, and head over to meet my friend Natalie at the TWU library to finish up an assignment that was due at 5:30. (Slackers, I know…) We reserved a room and were getting much work done when my phone rang. It was my doctor’s office, and I assumed they were just calling to check on me. I answered the phone and it was my nurse. She asked how I was feeling and I told her sore, but overall I was ok. She asked if I was sitting down and resting at the moment, and I said yes. What she said afterward is something I don’t think I could ever prepare myself for.
“You tested positive for Fetal Fibronectin, and we need you to come in to the hospital and check in immediately. It seems that you are in the high risk category, and could deliver your baby anytime from now and into the next three weeks.” I swear, the words after that were such a blur that I don’t even know if it was English she was speaking. My face got hot. My heart leaped up into my throat. It truly felt like I was in a movie. The room was so full of silence that my ears drums wanted to rupture. My body was numb and all I could think of was delivering Maddison long before she was ready. I took note of my friend Natalie’s presence when she came and put her hand on my shoulder. I was so very glad someone was there with me, and didn’t care that she was witnessing my melt into a puddle of raw emotion. As I hung up the phone, I began to sob and repeat, “I can’t believe this is happening!” I remember thinking about how selfish I was being as my nurses words were catching up with the speed of my train of thought. She mentioned bed rest. How could I be on bed rest when I am in grad school with an internship?! What on earth have I done in my lifetime that would endanger the life of my growing child? My one job is to grow this baby, and I had failed. I felt that my identity had suddenly transitioned from “daughter/wife/student/friend” to “complete failure”. I realized I had to call James, and I knew I wouldn’t be able to hold it together.
I took a deep breath and called. He answered and after uttering his name, and that I needed to go to the hospital, no more words would come. I was ripped back to being a child full of pain and heartache, and not being able to express what it felt like. The intensity of the disappointment and fear in my soul is not describable with words. My mouth was open, but the only thing coming out of me were tears. On the other end of line was a panicked Daddy who was begging for me to calm down so he could understand what was going on. Again, I was thankful for Natalie. I handed her the phone and cradled my head in my hands. I recited the words of the nurse over and over again, and was praying that God please take care of my sweet Maddison.
I gathered my things as Natalie planned to drive me home, but as we walked to the parking lot, I had a wave of peace come over me. I can’t quite explain it. I’m not going to venture out and say that an angel swooped down and wrapped her wings around me for comfort, but there was definitely a peace that passes our understanding that was surrounding me. I am NOT an advocate for texting and driving, but the entire way home from Denton, I was texting my prayer warrior friends and family. It was all that I knew to do. I made it home to find my mom and James anxiously packing bags for an overnight stay. (Something the nurse said to plan for). In the midst of all the commotion, I did remember one thing that I vowed to keep maintained from here on out: I had not shaved my legs in at least five days.
We get to the hospital, and get checked in. Again, I had a peace in my heart and soul, and could feel Maddison throwing a party inside of me. For whatever reason, I wasn't that concerned. After another cervical swab, and several hours, it was determined that the first test was a false positive. Me, my mom, James, and his mom all breathed a sigh of relief. It wasn’t until we were on our way home that the reality of the situation hit James. I won’t go into detail about how hard this situation hit him, but it was heart breaking to see my big strong husband feel so helpless over the well-being of his innocent baby girl. Absolutely. Heart breaking.
I was told to be on bed rest for the next week, and to let my body heal from all of what we had been through in the past few days.
Apparently, I didn’t do a very good job. A couple of weeks passed, and then this past Saturday night, a few of us went to celebrate my friend Terra’s birthday. We enjoyed a nice dinner and after James and I got home, I noticed that I wasn’t feeling very well. I laid down and was having serious issues trying to get comfortable. My sweet husband surprised me with this:
Sunday morning, I felt somewhat better- until I got out of bed. My lower abdomen felt like someone had a knife and wanted to inflict serious pain on me if I moved, breathed, or heaven forbid, cough or sneeze. I figured it was round ligament pains, and tried to take it easy as I cleaned house, did laundry, made beef stew, and baked blackberry cobbler. It wasn't until 9:30 Sunday night that I thought something was really wrong.
I called my doctor on Monday morning, and she was concerned with my constant pain for nearly 24 hours. James was heading out of town, and I wasn’t concerned that Miss Maddison was in any danger. My mom had the opportunity to go watch the Rangers play, so I swore to her that she was NOT the world’s worst mother if she missed out this go round. Thank goodness for kind mother in laws! As soon as I asked, Kim dropped everything that she had planned, and spent the entire day with me at the doctor.
We finally get in to see my doctor, (she had an emergency delivery at the hospital), and she tells me that I have completely torn a big ol' muscle from one part of my tummy to another. She goes on to tell me that I HAVE to slow down, and really monitor my school schedule. I admitted to her that Tuesday's and Wednesday's are pretty complicated for me, and she ended up giving me a doctor’s note excusing me from classes for two weeks. I had a meltdown right then and there. I don’t know how to explain it. If you know my story of my life “Pre-James” then you know how hard I have worked for what I have achieved. To graduate with my master’s degree is a goal that I never thought I would ever attain. It is so much more to me than just a degree. It represents the pain, love, joy, excitement, suffering, friendship, compromise, and independence that I have found since 2006.
I literally began crying in front of my doctor, and like an adolescent, I hid behind my hands hoping that the other two people in the room wouldn’t judge me for being so selfish. I shocked myself when I realized why I was crying. Here I am, with something I have wanted more than anything in the world growing inside of me, and I am concerned about graduating from grad school by a date that I personally have set as a deadline in my head. No one has told me that I HAVE to finish by a particular date. The perfectionist in me was acting like a red devil on my shoulder and screaming to try harder to convince the doctor that I can do it all. The mother in my spoke louder than the devil, and I agreed that I should put my baby before school, and do whatever it took to let her grow for as long as she needed. With that, I was told that I could not go to class for two weeks, and that I needed to readjust my schedule so that I no longer had 15 hour days. It was a hard pill to swallow, but I did.
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| Or call your mom... |
It has been 3 days since that last doctor’s visit, and I feel better. I have ingested some medicine to heal my torn muscle, and with the help of my husband, my mom, my mother in law, my grandma, and numerous family and friends- I am making it through these next 14 weeks. Here is how much Maddison has grown in just one week.
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| 25 weeks |
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| 26 weeks |
I. Love. Being. Pregnant.
Here are a few pics of some of my blogging moments:
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| Having to text your husband and ask him to buy this product takes your marriage to a whole new level. :-) |
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| Cannot. Wait. |
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| While waiting, in the pickup, for James to finish a conversation, I was texting him. He didn't understand. |
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Like my belly, my appetite is growing.
I will conclude this blog with a sonogram of Maddi at 25 weeks. Yes- it is semi creepy. Yes- she resembles an alien. Yes- I think it is an adorable picture even though most people can't even make out what it is they are looking at. I'm her mom, and I think she is beautiful! |
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| Maddison's right side of her face, right eye, and tummy. |
Please PLEASE keep praying y'all!
IT'S WORKING!!!
