(It's been WAYYYYYYYYY too long! Dec. 27 to be exact! I will go back and add pictures to this later, but don't plan on proof reading this long thing! Please excuse the errors!)
Dear Maddison,
It was January 22, and your Daddy and I had been out late the night before at the TCU Ranch Management Annual Round Up. I felt huge, but comfortable. While getting ready for church, I felt a cramp that I hadn’t felt before. It was 7:30 in the morning, and it passed, so I didn’t think anything of it. We went to lunch after church, and then to Wal-Mart for a few items, then came home. Your Daddy had some things to do get done at one of his businesses, so he left. The day went on, and I kept daydreaming of what your sweet face looked like inside of me. Would you have brown hair? Blue eyes? Green eyes? Would your feet be long like mine? Or wide like your Daddy’s? Dinnertime came, and I made grilled chicken, steamed brown rice, and sautéed spinach. It was 7:30 pm when we finally sat down to eat, and suddenly, I felt the same pain I had experienced in church earlier that day. It felt like menstrual cramps, so I was pretty sure it wasn’t a contraction. I told your Daddy about it, and he said I should start keeping track of them. While sitting at the dinner table, I felt the need to relieve some of the pressure in my bladder, and went to the restroom. When I sat down, I noticed something unusual that I hadn’t noticed before. Apparently, I had lost my mucous plug.
I had heard about this happening, but I wasn’t sure that is what it was. When you’re pregnant, there are all kind of different things that happen to your body, and I thought this might just be another one of those disgusting things. My heart began racing as I started thinking about the possibility of this being my mucous plug, and what that meant. It was possible that labor would begin soon, and I was that much closer to meeting you. I came back to the table, and began googling what a mucous plug might look like. I also sent a message to a couple of my nurse friends to get their opinion. After confirming that in fact I had lost my mucous plug, I told your Daddy that we were going to meet you soon! The smile on his face when I told him was so sweet. He shared with me that he thought he should probably go to the bank and get some work done. I went ahead and shared with him my fear of going into labor alone, and being in pain by myself. Needless to say, your Daddy didn’t go anywhere. What he DID do though, was begin scrambling around like a little fire ant. He grabbed his duffle bag, and began stuffing it with random things that he thought he might need during our hospital stay. (I had packed him one several week prior to this day, but apparently, he has been using the items within it since then). We began writing down the pains I was having, and here are the times:
7:30 am
1:00 pm
4:40 pm
5:30 pm
7:00 pm
7:15 pm- Mucous plug
7:30 pm
8:54 pm
9:27 pm
9:45 pm
9:55 pm
10:04 pm
10:42 pm
10:55 pm
11:08 pm
11:22 pm
11:31 pm
11:37 pm
11:49 pm
11:54 pm
12:01 am
12:05 am
12:12 am
12:16 am
12:21 am
12:27 am
12:40 am
12:43 am
12:45 am
12:51 am
12:56 am
12:59 am
1:09 am
1:13 am
1:21 am
Around 10:00, we both went to bed to try to get some sleep. I slept for a little while, and then I wasn’t able to keep my mind off the pains I was having. One minute, I would be relaxed and then all of a sudden, a wave of pain would radiate throughout my entire body. The effects included tears rolling out of my closed eyes, fingernails clawing the sheets, knees curled up as close as I could get them to my chest, teeth clenched, moans escaping my throat, and every muscles I could feel tensing up inside of me- all while trying to remember to take deep breaths and relax.
Your Daddy was as helpful as he could have been. It was hard for him to see me hurting, but he was very gentle and caring. With each pain that surged through my body, he would lean over to me, and gently stroke my arm and head. Around 1:00, we decided that even though my contractions weren’t 8 minutes apart for 3 hours, they were pretty consistent. I called my doctor, and she said to come on in. I called Memaw, and told her what was happening. Your Daddy called Gami, and then off we were. As I walked to the door to go to the hospital, I stopped for a minute in the doorway. I turned around, and had an emotional moment. I couldn’t help but think that the next time I crossed the threshold of our house, I would be a Mom, your Daddy would be a Dad, and you would be in our arms.
Your Daddy helped me into the truck, and off we went.
We got to the hospital and checked in. It seemed like a dream, and any minute I was going to wake up. The nurse came in and checked me. She said I was dilated to a 1, and 50% effaced. We waited until 5:00, and I was dilated to a 1, and 90% effaced. Dr. Robbins decided to send me to get some breakfast, and to walk at the mall. Your Daddy had to get some work done, especially since it was a Monday, so he went on into the bank. (He figured I would probably go into labor on Wednesday or so.) I stayed behind with your Gami, Memaw, and Grandma. We went and ate at Ol’ South Pancake House, and it was absolutely disgusting. In between contractions, I tried to take bites. Nothing was sitting right with me, and so I drank my orange juice, and ate a few bites of bacon. You were so ready to come out that I could feel you making your way toward the only exit available!
It was now 5:30 in the morning, and we headed to the mall. Now, the nurse had given me 2 vicodin when we left the hospital. Apparently, on the way to the mall, they both hit me like a ton of bricks. I stepped out of the car, and felt completely inebriated. I apologized to Grandma for seeing me drunk. I vividly remember laughing hysterically at nothing, but thinking it was the funniest thing ever! We walked. And walked. And walked. I rested for a few minutes, and then decided that surely I was closer to delivering you. My contractions though, had gotten further apart. Now, they were 9 minutes apart. I didn’t understand, and just absolutely refused to drive almost an hour home only to return again that same day due to being worried that I would deliver you at home. I called Dr. Robbins, and she wanted me to come in so SHE could check me, not a nurse.
We leave the mall at 8:30 and head over to see Dr. Robbins. I was very aware that this would be my last pre-natal visit with her, and was so excited. I waited in the waiting room, and thought about the excitement that each visit brought. I remembered hearing your heartbeat for the first time. I remembered seeing you move on the monitor, and watching you move your mouth. I remembered the moment your Daddy and I found out that you were a girl, and choosing the name Maddison Cash McGilvray to be yours. I could remember where I was sitting when I heard the cries of heartbreak when a woman was told that her baby no longer was alive inside of her. I could only smile when these memories flooded my mind, because it made me dream of all of the ones to come, when you arrived.
My name was called, and I waddled to a room. I was weighed, and the scales read 168. I was very much looking forward to that number going down soon, and laughed about it possibly being the last time I saw such a number that was measuring my body. With each visit, I was able to hear your heartbeat. It was always a reassurance when I heard it, even though I felt you moving all of the time. I listened to your heartbeat, and then waited for Dr. Robbins.
With a knock on the door, the butterflies from all over the world all fluttered in my stomach. After being checked, I was told that there had been no change. I felt devastated. I really thought this was it! Dr. Robbins told me to sit back, and that I was going to feel a sharp pain. She stuck her hand inside of me, and then only what I can describe as her plucking something took place. It was incredibly painful for about 30 seconds, and then the pain disappeared. She sat up, and told me to head to the hospital. She instructed me to go to Labor and Delivery, and insist on an epidural ASAP. She said she would be there shortly thereafter to break my water, and then she said words that I will never ever forget. “Looks like you’re going to become a Mommy today!” My heart jumped. I knew that I was going to be a Mom, but to actually think that the time had come was astonishing. I sat there for a few seconds, and then the tears began flowing. My hormones got the best of me, and I began sobbing tears of fear, joy, excitement, happiness, and love. Today, I was going to become a Mother.
After I hugged your Memaw and Gami for several minutes, we all gathered our composure and headed to the hospital. Now, keep in mind that your Daddy went to work. Remember me saying that he thought I would probably deliver you on Wednesday. I knew that if I called him, I would start sobbing again, so I texted him. (I know, I know. Very impersonal for such an amazing event, but I had JUST quit crying!). I had dreamed for years of how I would tell my husband I was in labor. The story I had been given wasn’t quite what I expected, so I just wrote the words, “It’s time.” He responded and wouldn’t you know it, he said, “Time for what?”
I explained what the doctor had said, and no lie, your Daddy arrived at the hospital approximately 15 minutes after I did. I was in an amazing room. It was huge. There was space for 20 plus people! (I know this because later in the story, there was that amount of people there to meet you.) I answered a bunch of questions, and the nurses got an I.V. started. One nurse walked in and was writing her name and the date on a dry erase board. She asked me if we had chosen a name for you, and I said yes, “Maddison Cash McGilvray.” What she did next made me realize that before the sun went down, I would be holding you in my arms. I looked over and written on the board was, “Happy Birthday Maddison!”
About that time, your Daddy walked in. His eyes were big and excited and hiding the fact that he was already exhausted. He sat down by my side, and to be very honest, he didn’t leave my side until 2 days later, when I told him to go get some rest.
The anaesthesiologist came in, and explained the epidural to us. I had never seen this performed before, and didn’t want to. I had heard horror stories , and was very afraid of this procedure. I was instructed to lean forward onto your Daddy’s chest, and relax. (Seriously? Relax when you have a 5 foot needle in my spine?!” I tried my best to do as I was told, and with each breath, my tears multiplied as they were absorbed into your Daddy’s shirt. This was the first of many times that your Daddy was what I like to call, “My Rock.”
I laid back down, and tried to relax as the lower half of my body began going numb. It is an unexplainable sensation to not have any feeling in your legs. I was thankful that it worked, and checked off another item on my checklist in my head. Next was the breaking of my water. Dr. Robbins came in, and explained everything. I was feeling extremely anxious, and before I even knew it, she had broken my water. As simple as that, the process of meeting you had officially began. Your protective barrier had been broken, and you were one step closer to seeing the light of day.
I labored for 7 hours, and had only progressed to 3 centimeters. I was exhausted. My body had used the energy from the bacon and orange juice I had at breakfast, and was now beginning to run off of adrenaline. I was devastated with my body when I found out that I needed Pitocin to try to speed up the labouring process. I was given this drug via I.V., and then told to just wait. I could feel the contractions inside of me, but they weren’t painful anymore. Each time I laid on my left side, you gave us quite a scare. Your heartrate would drop, and I would have to readjust to my right side for you. Shortly after the Pitocin was given, the nurses began multiplying in my room. Each of them had a look of worry on their faces as they entered, and I knew something was wrong. My heart was telling me to stay calm for your sake, but I was scared. Dr. Robbins was paged, and the nurses explained that you were having a bad reaction to the Pitocin. Your Daddy held my hand and with each stroke of his thumb on my finger, I could tell he was just as scared as I was.
Your heart rate had been steadily beating around 168 beats per minute. The drug they chose to use to speed up the laboring process was causing your heart to beat only 60 times per minute. The doctor arrived and immediately checked on you inside of me. She inserted a heart monitor inside of me and glued it onto your head. Minutes later, your heartbeat was gone. Never, ever in my life have I ever felt the sting to my soul as I did in that moment. My heart was screaming at them to keep looking! I couldn’t feel you moving and I began sobbing. Your Daddy was scared too, and don’t let him ever tell you otherwise. We were powerless. I prayed for your safety, and remember telling God that I would rather be the one with no heartbeat. I asked Him to take me!!! I begged Him to spare your life, and just let me be the one to pay for you to live. Within minutes, which seemed like eternity, several other cords were inserted into me. They found your heart beat, and the worry and panic began to slowly ooze its way out of the room.
The doctor studied the monitor for several minutes. With arms crossed and a nervous look on her face, she then said “We’ve got to get that baby out of there.” She proceeded to tell me that my frame in very small. She said that I could try and labor for a couple of more hours, but that even if I did give birth vaginally, that my bones would have to break to get this small baby out of my safely. She told me that she could have that baby on my chest within 30 minutes. My heart dropped. I felt mad at my body. The one thing a woman’s body is supposed to do is grow, and birth a child. Mine wasn’t doing it right, and I was so frustrated with it. I looked at my partner, and felt that he had just as much of a say as I did. I asked his opinion, and without hesitation, he said that we should do the operation. I looked at our doctor, and agreed.
I didn’t have much time to feel sorry for myself in this situation. I felt the need to be strong for you. I had to stay calm in order to keep you calm. Your Daddy was brought some scrubs to wear, and they wheeled me off to prep me for surgery. I was scared, but not for me. I was scared of the nightmares I had dreamt where your lifeless body was pulled from me and handed to me with no breath. My worst nightmare was beginning to take action and I wasn’t ready for it. I left my family behind, and your Daddy was left in a small room while I was taken into pre-op.
I was surrounded by nurses, but I felt so alone in this bone chilling room. It was crowded and the pace was so fast. They were explaining things to me about the upcoming procedure, but I just wanted it to be over. Your Daddy finally came in, as they were strapping my arms down. He looked like a doctor, and seemed more anxious than I have ever seen him before. He ind of reminded me of a child. He seemed afraid of what was happening. I wasn’t sure if he was afraid for me, or for you, probably both. I could tell that he had to dig deep and find the strength to be the rock for me. I was terrified.
A hairnet was placed over my hair, and a sheet was draped across my neck so that I could no longer see the lower part of my body. A nurse was asking questions about you, and I was frustrated with her small talk. I wanted to bad to fast forward through this process, but time was quickly creeping by. A nurse came by and put some medicine in my I.V. He told me that it was kind of like a second epidural, and that I was about to feel very sleepy. Dr. Robbins came in, and seemed chipper, but determined. She told me that I should be prepared for the noises I wouldn’t hear when you came out--- silence. She told me it would be a minute before you drew your first breath. I didn’t understand, but I trusted her. She hadn’t led me astray up to this point.
With your Daddy holding my left hand, which was strapped down very tightly, and stroking my cheek, the mission of getting you out of my tummy and into my arms began.
There was much chatter, beeping, and music. I can’t tell you now what the music was, but it was soothing to me. I was so very tired. I was having a very hard time staying awake. Crazy to say since I was in the middle of surgery, but I could barely keep my eyes open! With my eyes fixated on your Daddy’s expression, I could feel my shoulders leaving the table from side to side. The tugging and pulling of my muscles and organs in order to get to you was so very intense. I could feel so much pressure, and the feeling of my shoulders rocking from side to side was gut wrenching. The minutes trickled by like molasses on a spoon, and absolutely nothing could prepare me for what was about to happen next.
“She’s out…” Your Daddy said. Time stood still. I know the doctor told me to expect a delay on hearing your cry, but never in my life have been more scared than in those moments when you and I were first separated, and you weren’t drawing a breath.
Seconds later, God breathed a beautiful breath of air into your lungs, and you let out the most peaceful scream I had ever heard. I turned my head and saw you for the first time. You were amazing. The first time I laid eyes on you, I knew what unconditional love truly was. In that moment, I was soaking in your purple color, your long fingers and toes, your dark head of hair, and your big open screaming mouth. I knew that there would never be anything that you could ever do or say that would make me quit loving you. You were this little human that I grew, and you looked perfect in every way.
They whisked you away to clean you up, and your Daddy went with you. For the first time in almost 10 months, I wasn’t worried anymore. You were here, and your Daddy wasn’t going to let you out of his sight. I felt peace surround me, and my body began to relax. I actually fell asleep while the doctors were sewing me up. I vaguely remember holding you for the first time. Another dream I have planned my entire adult life is what I would say to my children when we first met. I remember saying “Hi Maddison. I’m so glad you’re here. I was so scared.” The moment had finally come for my daughter to leave my body, and become her own being. She no longer needed me like she had for the past 10 months. I felt kind of sad that this was all over, but the warmth from my daughter’s body reassured me that for the rest of my life, I would have a connection with someone who has heard my heartbeat from the inside.
I remember seeing your Daddy hold you for the first time. He was instantly in love. You looked so tiny in his arms, weighing a mere 6 pounds and 2 ounces. For the rest of his life, you will have a protector, a mentor, a dance partner, a coach, a teacher, and a friend- but most of all, a Daddy. You have this grown man wrapped around your tiny little finger, and you don’t even know it. His heart melted when he held you, and nothing on this earth can or will ever compare to the joy in his tears as he adored you for the first time.
As I was being wheeled down the hall to my room, I was holding you. I felt so proud, almost like I was riding the most beautiful float in the parade. I wanted so bad to stay awake and introduce you to everyone who was anxiously awaiting your arrival, but I was beyond exhausted. My body began having a reaction to some of the drugs, and I began shaking uncontrollably. It was a scary situation, but after my nerves settled, and your Daddy, you, and me were together as a family, I began to calm down. Then, it was time for everyone to meet you! To be continued…
