Grab a tissue. This one is pretty painful...

So, I just got back from the doctor, and am having several mixed emotions. Maybe it’s the hormones, maybe it’s being human, or maybe it’s just being a woman. I don’t know.

I feel some emotional trauma, and the only way I think I can turn this raw open wound into a scar is by writing about it. I know this blog will bring tears to my own eyes even as I type, but since I am training to be a therapist, I know it will be healing to tell you all what happened today.

Whew. Here goes... Seriously- If you're emotional AT ALL, grab a tissue. What I'm about to describe is heart wrenching, and really hit home for me.

I excitedly walked into the doctor’s office with my mom, my mother in law, and my husband by my side. We all awkwardly sat down in the waiting room which was packed full. I’m not sure when I will learn not to make appointments on Monday’s, but hopefully our next appointment on a Wednesday won’t be as crowded. One by one, women were being called out of the waiting room into both the doctor’s office, as well as the sonographer’s office. I began settling into my seat and chit chatting with my mom and mother in law when suddenly, the mood of the entire room melted.

I was surrounded by dozens of expecting mothers, and within seconds, we all knew what had just happened. In the small room that gave previews to mothers of their tiny growing miracles was a woman who was allowing us to listen to her heart breaking. She was uncontrollably wailing at the tops of her lungs and stopping only long enough to catch a small breath, only to feel her heart to break some more.

No one in the room had to say one word. We all know what had happened. It was apparent that she had just found out that her child was back in the arms of Jesus.

 For several minutes, time stood still. No one looked around, but I could hear tears falling all around me. Tears were streaming down my cheeks as I mindlessly flipped through the pages of a magazine.  My heart was racing, as I hugged my stomach. I was aching for the comfort of a kick, or a punch from Maddison. I needed to feel her move- even just a tiny bit.

 I silently prayed for this poor woman and her pain that was audible to everyone in the room. God heard my prayer, and Maddison moved. It was just as sweet as the first time I felt her- maybe even sweeter.

After several minutes, we were all able to put a face to the shadow of pain that we all had just witnessed. This broken woman had gathered the strength to walk through dozens of people, and leave the doctor’s office knowing that her baby no longer had a heartbeat. I felt terrible as my eyes followed her, and hoped that she didn’t feel uncomfortable being the center of attention. I was confident that she didn't notice anyone else in the room as one hand was grasped over her mouth, while the other was clutching her belly. She was gasping for air in between silent sobs, and my heart ached for her. She was so broken and wounded on the inside as her rounded belly led the way to the exit of the room.

Minutes after she was out of sight, I excused myself to the restroom where I sat down, and bawled my eyes out. I kept thinking over and over how easy this blessing of life inside of me could be taken away. It made me want to live in a bubble so that no one or no thing could ever hurt my child. I splashed some water on my face and verbally thanked the Lord for keeping me and Maddison safe. When I walked back into the waiting room, I took note of the dozens of women with tissues and blood shot eyes. I found some comfort in knowing that they felt what I was feeling. Babies truly are a blessing, and shouldn’t be taken for granted.

Desperately seeking a mental distraction, I reached into my purse for my phone. I quickly noticed that God had tugged on James’ heart, and I found a text message assuring me that everything was going to be okay. He knows me well enough to know that if he would have touched me, even with a hug, I would have lost it right then and there. A simple message from him meant more to me than anything else he could have said. Maddison was moving in several places of my belly, and I was up next for my sonogram.

The sonogram went well. I was excited to see my mom and Kim’s (my MIL) face when they saw Maddi moving for the first time. We all released unspoken tension once we saw her moving, and smiles replaced worried faces. I think down deep, we all feared that the pain we had just witnessed was very real, and could happen to anyone at any time. The sonographer assured us that Maddison's organs looked healthy, her weight and height were good, and she even appeared to be clapping! He quickly took note of her active-ness and all I could do was laugh and agree with him. It was an overwhelming much needed reassurance that Jim was right- Everything WAS going to be okay.

All in all, everything looks great. Maddi weighs about ¾ of a pound, and is definitely a girl. All of her organs look great, and her Mama is doing well too. I have gained 7 pounds so far, and although I was concerned about this, Dr. Robbins said that it was right on track for me, and that soon she will be telling me to slow down! I just love her!

I feel pretty drained after expressing my emotions in this blog, and so I am going to cut it short. I’m so glad you all are here to let me vent about things- good and bad. I appreciate your thoughts, and would like to ask you to say a quick prayer for the women who suffer from the pain of a miscarriage. I saw it today, and only God can provide comfort for that heart wrenching pain.

Please keep praying for me, Jim, and Maddison.

It’s working.

You're right. I'm too small to be pregnant...I'm just really bloated.

Wow. After last night, I realized that people who I don’t even know follow this blog, and I caught myself comparing my character in this blog to the “Carrie Bradshaw” character in S&TC. Completely different, I know, but kind of cool to go somewhere, and have people say, “I know you don’t know me, but I follow your blog, and I feel like I know you!” I don’t know if I have ever been more flattered. What’s funny though, is that I’m hearing it more often. Make sure and pop a small hole in my head if it ever begins to swell to the point that I can’t fit through the doorway. I don’t want to be that kind of person.

Let me just say this: The further I get in this pregnancy, the more graphic the details may become. You should know that if you do not want to be red in the face the next time we meet because you are picturing me talking about my bodily functions from being pregnant, then you might just want to quit reading this blog.

That being said, since my last doctors visit, several things have happened that I wasn’t really expecting. The following are my thoughts on things that people don’t tell you before you’re pregnant.

1. No one told me how incredibly sore the center--- (you know, the word that rhymes with ripple?)  of my girls would be. This is something that I knew would happen once I started breast feeding, but I’m only 5 months pregnant! Even the water pouring from the shower head is almost unbearable. I used to be able to go bra free, and not have a worry in the world, but good grief. I am beginning to think that my headlights are going to be shining a path for the next 4 months, and it isn’t even cold outside! So weird. Maybe it’s just my strange body, but now that I’ve passed the flaky *ripple* stage, they’re just sore. I suppose I can live with sore. This is probably my chief complaint at this point, and I’m okay with that.

2. No one told me about the gas bubbles. Me: “Dr. Robbins? Uhm, is there some medicine I can take for gas? I mean, like Bean-o or something?” Her: “I’m sorry, but there isn’t. Take a couple of tums, take a walk, and just let nature take its course.” This is NOT the solution I was looking for!!! I suppose I expected my doctor to have a magical pill to erase the problem I’ve been facing. I understand how a 14 year old boy might be amused by this uncontrollable defect, but it is no laughing matter when you are in certain situations. She gave me a few other tips, and I’ve been following them. I have to say, her tips are helpful, but some bodily functions just happen. We’re all human, and we all burp and pass gas. Don’t laugh, unless you are laughing to agree with me and sit with me in my corner of embarrassment.

3. No one told me about the new hair growth. I get up, get dressed, blow dry and straighten my hair, and go to put on my make-up. Hmm… Major fly aways, or as Jim calls them, “wings”. I grab some bio silk and think I solve the problem. Put my make up on, and notice I look like a teenager who hasn’t mastered the art of styling her own hair. I add a little more oil and take note that if I keep trying to fix this problem with oil, then I will look like I just stepped out of the shower, or like I hadn’t bathed for 6 days. I was growing more and more frustrated,  and just walked out the door and vowed not to look in a mirror for the rest of the day. On a side note- that was about 2 weeks ago, and my hair still looks like a rooster. I guess I’m beginning to accept the side effects of my prenatal vitamins. On the plus side, my nails are growing beautifully.

4. Cravings? Okay, so I did know about the cravings, but I am taken aback by some of mine. A few weeks ago, I was at a wedding. I was surround by people enjoying their alcoholic beverages, (more on that later), and after a few hours, the cake was finally being brought to my table. It. Was. The. Best. Chocolate. Cake. I’ve. Ever. Eaten. As soon as I put the cake in my mouth, I had an instant craving for coffee. When I say instant, I mean, I would have left the reception and gone to Allsup’s down the street to get a cup of coffee to go with this slice of Heaven I was eating. Luckily, our friends had planned ahead, and coffee was brought to my table. Now understand this. I have drank possibly 10 cups of coffee in my entire life. I’ve just never had a hankering for it- unless it has Bailey’s in it… So, the server brings me the coffee, and I ended the night on a good note. It was the perfect dessert. Since then, it has become a necessity to have coffee with any sweet treat that I eat. I don’t know why, but I’m craving coffee. Weird, right? Black coffee, a tad of cream, and 2 packs of sugar… I dread winter time…

4. Bella bands. Okay, so I’ve never taken Mommy 101, so I had never heard of this amazing contraption. Basically, this tube top like shirt was created so that you can wear your normal pants, but just slip this cover on top of them, and throw on a shirt. For an outsider, it looks like you’re wearing normal pants, and an undershirt when in reality, your pants are unzipped and unbuttoned, and you are comfortably wearing your pre-baby pants! Cool, right?!

5. George. Okay, so before anyone has a conniption and thinks that I have given Jim another nickname, know that he came up with this. There is someone else who comforts me while I’m sleeping, and he only cost me $80.00. George’s last name is Snoogle. He is a pregnancy body pillow in the shape of a C. Jim gets a little jealous when I bring George to bed because it creates a massive barrier in between us. It’s funny when I want to turn over, because it is a huge ordeal having to move George so that he still snuggles my backside and keeps space between my hips. There is a little tension between Jim and George, but do know that Jim has a special bond with him as well. Many times have I come into the living room to find George snuggling with my husband. I don’t feel sorry for him.

6. To drink or not to drink? Just so you all know, I refuse to listen to anyone but my doctor when it comes to medical advice. I consider myself to be an intelligent woman, who understands consequences to my actions. If I don’t study, then I don’t get the grade I want. If I stay up late, then I am tired the next day. If I consume more alcohol (red wine) than what my doctor recommends, then my baby has a much higher risk of coming out with 3 heads and a tail. I also understand that my friends and family mean well when they tell me if I have a sip of red wine every now and then that Maddison will come out with FAS. I get it. I respect everyone’s opinions, but I carefully chose my doctor, and have learned to throw everyone else’s advice out the window when it comes to what is best for me and Miss Maddison. That being said- I am not going to parties and throwing back jell-o shots or toasting the evening with a Jager bomb. It is only a year of not drinking, and I respect the health and well-being of my child enough to refrain from it. A glass of red wine every now and then (especially in Italy) is fine. My. Doctor. Said. So. I’m not ranting, I’m just sayin’.

7. No hot tubs? So I get that your body temperature isn’t supposed to get above a certain degree when you’ve got a bun in the oven. What I don’t get though, is that this is the hottest summer since I have been alive, and just walking uphill to my class gets me all flustered and drenched in sweat. Hope I’m not over- cooking Little Maddison…

Let’s move onto the sweet things. 2 weeks ago today, Jim had just gotten home from being out of town all weekend, and we were relaxing on the couch. It was near bedtime, and Jim was in between naps. All of a sudden, I felt a small thump in my belly. I paused the TV, and thought somehow if the room was completely silent, it might happen again. I had heard many women ahead of me share that it is easy to mix up gas bubbles with the flutter of your unborn child, so I thought maybe that’s what it was. A few minutes later, there it was again, “Thump!” As plain as day, I knew that this was no gas bubble.

15 weeks

This was a mother physically connecting with her daughter for the first time. As I sat there for several minutes with both hands covering my stomach, I was consciously trying to send wavelengths to Maddison hoping that she was hearing my thoughts. “Do it again! I want to feel you!!!” Jim was asleep, but I couldn’t help it. I had to wake him up. I was almost positive that he wouldn’t be able to feel her kick, but I wanted to shout from the roof tops that we had reached a milestone in our pregnancy. To feel this little human that God Himself placed in my belly moving around was nothing short of a miracle. I whispered to Jim that I felt her move, and in a somewhat sleepy trance, he slowly reached up above his head, eyes closed, and placed his hand on my belly. I knew he was tired, and this wasn’t quite the reaction I had expected, but it was still kind of sweet. He dozed off again, and I began texting my closest friends and family, okay, and I updated Facebook. This was the closest that I could come to shouting from the roof top…

I have noticed that Maddison moves around a lot at night time. I feel her some during the day, but can count on her break dancing every night once I wind down and relax. It is becoming something that I look forward to every day. I was on my way to class last week, and for whatever reason, she became a bucking bronco while I was jammin’ out to the radio. I don’t remember what song was playing, but whatever it was I suppose she liked it. I was alone with my thoughts, and started thinking about how truly amazing it was that she was in my belly. I went back to sitting at On the Border just after Christmas with James. I remembered the hesitation and excitement in his voice when he told me that he something was missing in our marriage. “You know how every day we get home from work, eat dinner, and just kind of sit in front of the TV waiting to go to bed? I’m ready for us to have a baby.” I love that memory. I thought about how for five months, I used ovulation prediction kits, and each month failed the pregnancy test that I wanted to pass. I will never forget when we went to San Antonio just before we found out I was pregnant. I’m fairly positive I have shared this story already, but I’ll give a quick recap since it’s a fun story for me.

I was cramping the entire way there, and was super bummed out to start my period on our mini vaca. When we got there, it was a Thursday. I took a pregnancy test, and it was negative. I sat there in this hotel bathroom and stared at this negative sign on a stick and began to cry. I just KNEW I was pregnant this time. I walked out of the bathroom, and sunk down into a chair. I didn’t want Jim to see my cry, but once he saw one tear and asked what was wrong, they began falling uncontrollably. I crawled into his lap and explained that I had a feeling I was pregnant, and I was just so disappointed. He consoled me and said that it would happen, just to give it time. He made me feel better when he said it was out of our control, and we should just enjoy it being the two of us while we can. I agreed, and I packed a tampon in my clutch just before we hit the town. We arrived home on Sunday evening, and after an extremely long weekend, we woke up early Monday morning to do who knows what. I will never forget when it occurred to me that Aunt Flo was extremely late coming into town!!! I was shocked when I took 3 tests and they were all positive. I was 4 weeks pregnant and didn’t even know it. I suppose mother’s instinct was right all along!

I kind of went off on a rabbit trail in order to come back to this: While driving to Denton for class, listening to this song, I noticed a huge grin on my face while tears were streaming down my cheeks. I suppose I never understood the term, “Making Love” until I got pregnant. That truly is what I would say. This sweet potato in my belly is a bundle of love that is 50% me, and 50% James. Isn’t that miraculous to think about?! I honestly cannot fathom someone not believing in God once they have conceived a child. His greatest gift I would imagine is in my belly, and growing every day. I never thought I believed in love at first sight, but I have fallen in love with a picture of a tiny blob on a screen, the image of an alien-like creature making sucking motions with her mouth, and the movements of something that words can’t quite describe.

One night while laying in bed, Maddison was doing the Cotton Eyed Joe in my tummy, and I asked Jim if he wanted to feel her. He patiently waited, and then- it happened. He was able to feel his daughter for the first time, and for a split second, his eyes lit up, and he smiled. I reflected his joy, and then we both began talking about the future of our little family.

One last thing, and then I’ll close up my rambling nonsense. Last night, while coming back from a wedding, me and Jim began discussing how difficult life was going to be when Maddison makes her debut. Let me set the stage: I will be taking 9 hours in grad school, and finishing up my internship at a County Juvenile Detention Facility. While interning there, I will be seeing individual clients on Sunday beginning at 9:00 in the morning, and going all day. Friday’s will be hectic as well, and I will be leading group therapy. Don’t get me wrong, I am excited, but I am also beginning to notice that there are 4 days of the week that I won’t be able to be with Maddison. I’ve heard stories about how heart wrenching it is to leave you newborn to go back to work and whatnot, and I suppose I just dread that sinking feeling. I appreciate all of the help that I am going to have. I trust my husband with Maddison, and I can’t wait to see his Daddy qualities come out in him. We were discussing how much we were looking forward to her coming into our life, and that we were both ready for her to, “Just get here!”. It made me cry when Jim shared with me that he was looking forward to holding her, and laying on the couch napping with her on his chest. (Makes me cry right now just thinking about it!!!). The song, “Tough Little Boys” by Gary Allan comes to mind when I think of James and his little Sweet Potato. She already has him wrapped around her finger, and he loves every second of it.



17 weeks, and it took all I had to find the confidence to wear this bikini to the lake!



I want to end by asking this. I never believed in love at first sight, but then, I got pregnant. How can you love someone so much, but never seen their face, heard their voice, felt their touch, or smelled their scent? I love being a Mama already, and I haven’t even met my daughter.

Keep praying. It’s working.

"Sugar and Spice, And Everything Nice. That's What Little Girls Are Made Of..."

Life has been pretty hectic, and I haven’t had time to blog, and I feel so separated from you all, and I have so much to fill you in on!

Since I blogged last, here are the milestones that have occurred in my life:

• 2 weeks ago, I ate a hamburger. I broke my “Meat makes me want to vomit up my toenails” streak of 6 weeks, and ate the most amazing hamburger Sonic has ever made.
• I thought I felt Baby M move this past week, but I can’t tell if it’s gas or not. Weird thing to say, I’m sure, but if you’ve been pregnant, you understand.
• I started going to the track and working out in the mornings before the sun even comes up. It is something that I truly love doing. I don’t know if it’s because it feels good afterward, or if it’s because it’s something for me, James, and Baby M to do as a family. . I do know that is IS NOT because it happens at 5:30 a.m.  I usually speed walk a mile and a half, then walk/slow jog 10 sets of bleachers. It is rough considering my abs are slowly disappearing.
• Grad school (summer) is coming to a close. I think I will be able to reach my goal of 100 clinical hours this summer. It’s been a gruelling process, and my blogging has suffered because of it. It’s a trade off I suppose. I graduate in May 2012 with my maters!!!
• My body has begun changing. I can no longer comfortable go without a bra. This is mainly due to the fact that we live in Texas, and the heat creates so much sweat on the girls, that I end up being miserable because I have sweat rolling in every crack and crevasse before I even make it to my truck. The cocoa butter I lather on doesn’t help much I suppose. Maybe it'll get better when it hasn't been over 100 degrees for 33 straight days...

• My cravings have been consistent. I have enjoyed watermelon, cantaloupe, peaches, banana’s nectarines, boiled egg whites, almonds, sunflower seeds, pumpkin seeds, yogurt, cheese (cheddar and string), and cereal. I honestly eat about 3 bowls of cereal each day. Before I realized it, I have accumulated frosted shredded wheat, honey nut cheerios, rice krispies, corn pops, fruity pebbles, cocoa puffs, and honeycombs in my cabinet. I don’t know how this happened, but I’m not gonna fight it. I have always like variety. One day, I plan to open up a cereal bar. (Ask me for details later. I have it all planned out!!!)
• James is slowly understanding the idea that a human being is growing inside of my belly. He is the type of husband and Daddy that I have always wanted when it comes to one. He is constantly walking by me and rubbing his hand on my belly. My favourite time of each day is when we go to bed, and when we first wake up. It is reserved for getting a few cuddles in before the rush of the day begins, and when the rush of the day ends. Now, instead of him holding me in order to go to sleep, or kissing me to wake me up, he is holding and kissing both me and Baby M. I love it, and I crave it at the beginning and end of each day. It truly helps me get out of bed each morning with a warm heart.

Since I blogged last we have transitioned from peach, to lemon, to naval orange! I love it! Right now, Baby M can rest comfortably in the palm of my hand from the tip of my middle finger, to the bottom of my palm. Pretty amazing...

So I’m sure you’re dying to hear about my day on Monday, August 1, 2011. It was pretty awesome the night before actually, so that is where I will start.

Me and Jim were laying in bed, and talking about how we thought Baby M was a boy. We talked about how different life would be, even in 24 hours. I thought about how this night was the last night that I would wonder if would spend my life worrying about the well being of my son, or my daughter. It was amazing to me that within 24 hours, I would be laying in the exact same spot, doing the exact same thing, but that 10 minutes of my day would change my life forever. It took a while, but I fell asleep with the love of my life holding me and Baby M in his arms.

Monday morning came, and Jim went to work. I stayed in bed and made myself rest until 8:30. (We went to Houston, and were up late all weekend. This was one tired Mama!) My alarm went off, and I was in somewhat of a daze as I got ready. I found myself thinking, “This is the last time I will do (fill in the blank) before I know if I’m having a boy or a girl”. Silly, I know, but I caught myself doing it over and over.

Now, earlier, I mentioned that Jim had gone to work. Our appointment was at 10:30 in Fort Worth, and he had said we should leave at 9:45. I agreed, and when the clock struck 9:45 and there was no dust in sight, I picked up the phone to call. “Wait.” I thought. “I’ll be patient, and give him a few minutes. 5 minutes passed, and then I called. When he answered, there was no, “Hello?” It was a hurried, “I’m on our road. Be there in a second.” Then dead air. I gathered my 5 blank VHS tapes, (they told me to bring 1 to record the sonogram, but I’ll have you know, you can’t buy ONE VHS tape. Lord knows everyone needs bulk VHS tapes these days, and so you need to buy 5 at a time for $10.00.)

Anyway, he flies into the driveway and I’m waiting with my bag of snacks, a bottle of water, my VHS tapes, and my purse. I get in and he is on the phone. (His business phone, as opposed to his personal phone). He makes a pit stop at the dumpster, and proceeds to clean out his truck. I take note that his dashboard clock clearly says 10:00. I don’t say anything because he is on a business call. We get down to the end of our 2 mile driveway, and his fuel light comes on. Seriously?

We go to the new Loves gas station, and pull in to get gas. It is now 10:07, and I am having a mini panic attack. Our appointment is now in 23 minutes, and we are in Rhome. Great. I start thinking that we are going to be late, and my doctor is going to give away my time slot and we won’t know until next time if Baby M is a boy or a girl. I did something that I never thought I would do, but out of frustration, lack of communication because he was still on the phone, and anxiety, I did it. *SNAP SNAP SNAP* As he is pumping gas, I snapped my fingers. He poked his little pea pickin’ head inside and I gently reminded him that our appointment was at 10:30. He mouths, “I’m trying to get us there”. I burned a hole in the dashboard clock that read 10:09, and calculated 21 minutes… I leaned back in the seat, and began looking at baby names to calm my nerves. Long story short, we pulled into the doctors parking lot at 10:36.

Once we got there, I went and did the whole urine sample thing like you’re supposed to, and then realized that every single patient that Dr. Robbins has was there. Seriously. It was like she was giving away free money, and people came from all over to get it. We had 2 appointments. One was with the sonographer, and the other was my monthly check-up with Dr. Robbins. We waited over an hour to see the sonographer, and I actually felt guilty for rushing us so hard to get there by 10:30.

He calls my name, and we walk into the room that houses a big flat screen TV, a bunch of medical equipment, and an examination table. He makes small talk, while reading my chart and then a smile comes to his face when he discovers that we are going to have a life altering moment before we leave the room.

“So, you get to find out if you’re having a boy or a girl today?” We both excited and anxiously said yes, and looked at each other like two teenagers who had just fallen in love.

I felt nervous. I don’t know why, but I did. It was a good nervous though. Like, the kind of nervous you get just before you accept an award, or before you walk across the stage to get your diploma. Maybe anxious is a more fitting word. I laid back, and prepared my tummy to become a portal into a world that we have only seen twice. He put the gel on me, and within 10 second of the wand being on my body, he says, “I know what it is…” I looked at the screen, and felt myself fighting back tears. I couldn’t make out what the image was, but it was killing me that someone other than me and James knew the sex of our child! I admitted to both of them that I couldn’t tell what it was, and secretly thought that I was already a bad mother because I couldn’t see my own child.

He showed us Baby M’s head, tummy, spine, legs, arms, kidney’s, and heartbeat. It was amazing. We listened to the rapid 154 beats per minute heart rate, and then our little miracle turned and looked right at the camera. It was hysterical! I grabbed Jim’s arm and wished that he could lay down with me and enjoy this moment as close to me as possible. The little mouth on the screen began moving up and down in a sucking motion. I laughed, and Baby M responded by kicking back, arms locked behind the head, and legs up in the air, then the kicking began. It was breath-taking to see something like that moving inside of me.

The sonographer asked 3 words that I was more than ready to hear, “Are y’all ready?” I gripped Jim’s arm, and caressed it with my thumb as the sonographer put the cursor on top of our baby’s genitalia. I still had no clue as to what I was looking at. Was it a penis, or a vagina? If I could study for an exam as hard as I studied this image staring me in the face, I would keep a 4.0 GPA for the rest of my life.

“Congratulations. Say hello to your little…” Time stood still. He was being the most cruel sonographer in the history of sonographers. It was probably only about 5 seconds, but it seemed like eternity that he paused. I had time to look at Jim, look at him, look back at the screen, and the look at him again waiting for an answer. It was like a friggin’ movie!!!

Then, the sweetest word in the English language was spoken, “Girl.”

I looked at Jim, and his reflection matched mine. Eyes were wide, mouth was dropped open, and face was flush. My eyes were defective and leaking at this point. It is something I don’t know how to describe. I couldn’t control it. The happiest tears that have ever left my eyes fell in that moment. “A girl? I’m going to have a daughter?” The longer I thought about it, the more the tears came. “A little girl. I’m going to be a Mama, and I’m going to have a little girl.” The word girl kept running through my head, and I realized that I wanted this little girl more than anything in this entire world. I had convinced myself that since we had so easily come up with a boys name, that we were having a boy. I figured that was God’s way of giving me a break, and the chance to plan out this thing a little more. We had struggled with a girl’s name, and it just “felt like a boy”. To hear the sonographer say we would have a little girl in January was better than any drug, and high, any kind of man made potion to make you feel elated. It was a dose of a miracle from God, and there just aren’t words to describe the love that filled my heart in an instant.

To see the reflection of love in my husband, and the father of my little girl inside of me was miraculous. The sonographer said that they no longer use VHS tapes to capture the video of the sonogram, but next time to bring a flashdrive. (Good thing too, b/c the Texas heat zapped the images when we got to the truck. Luckily I had taken a few snapshots with my phone before the all turned pitchen black!!!) We left the room, and floated out to the lobby to gaze at the first 4 pictures that so clearly showed the image of our daughter’s head, face, tummy, arms, and legs. She was healthy, and we were happy.

For the next hour, we waited in the waiting room to see our doctor for my check-up. We had time to discuss a lot of things, and some of them, I will keep reserved in my memory and take them with me to my grave. Some things are just so amazing, you should treasure them keep them for only yourself. This was one of those times.

One thing I will share is this: While waiting on our name to be called, we decided we wanted to name her immediately. She had a personality on the screen, and we saw it. Jim said that she was, “babbling already” and he shook his head. (I just kept thinking how much power this little miracle was going to have over her Daddy…)

For a boy, we had decided on the name Caysen James Cash McGilvray. James is a family name that has been carried on for 3 generations in my husband’s family. His grandpa on his dad’s side is named James Leroy McGilvray Sr., his dad is named James Leroy McGilvray Jr., and my husband’s name is James William (after his maternal grandfather, William- nicknamed Bill. This is why you sometimes hear me call him Jimmy Billy!!! Bahaha!!!).             

 James Cash Snodgrass was my mom’s dad. He was an amazing man, and loved by everyone he knew. He even has a park in Boyd dedicated to him. The James Snodgrass Memorial Park. I swear to you that I have never heard anyone say one negative thing about him. I miss him terribly, and wish that he were here to hold my daughter when she entered this crazy messed up world, but I have it even better. I know that he has already had a hand on her, and will continue to live on through her.

We have chosen to name our daughter, “Maddison Cash McGilvray”.

It was Jim’s idea to put Cash in there, and it amazed me that even though I have reserved the name James Cash for my first son since I was 13 years old, my husband suggested we use Cash for our first daughter. Tears filled my eyes, and I agreed that Maddi Cash would a name that fits perfectly into our little family.

We left the doctor Monday with a good bill of health for me, and for Maddison. I am doing everything just as I should be, and even getting the exercise that is needed for her to be an even healthier newborn.

Each month, I wonder, “Gosh. Can it get any better than this?” And each month, it does. I can’t wait to hold my little Maddi Cash, and show her just how much love one family has to give.

Keep praying. It’s working.