"Sugar and Spice, And Everything Nice. That's What Little Girls Are Made Of..."

Life has been pretty hectic, and I haven’t had time to blog, and I feel so separated from you all, and I have so much to fill you in on!

Since I blogged last, here are the milestones that have occurred in my life:

• 2 weeks ago, I ate a hamburger. I broke my “Meat makes me want to vomit up my toenails” streak of 6 weeks, and ate the most amazing hamburger Sonic has ever made.
• I thought I felt Baby M move this past week, but I can’t tell if it’s gas or not. Weird thing to say, I’m sure, but if you’ve been pregnant, you understand.
• I started going to the track and working out in the mornings before the sun even comes up. It is something that I truly love doing. I don’t know if it’s because it feels good afterward, or if it’s because it’s something for me, James, and Baby M to do as a family. . I do know that is IS NOT because it happens at 5:30 a.m.  I usually speed walk a mile and a half, then walk/slow jog 10 sets of bleachers. It is rough considering my abs are slowly disappearing.
• Grad school (summer) is coming to a close. I think I will be able to reach my goal of 100 clinical hours this summer. It’s been a gruelling process, and my blogging has suffered because of it. It’s a trade off I suppose. I graduate in May 2012 with my maters!!!
• My body has begun changing. I can no longer comfortable go without a bra. This is mainly due to the fact that we live in Texas, and the heat creates so much sweat on the girls, that I end up being miserable because I have sweat rolling in every crack and crevasse before I even make it to my truck. The cocoa butter I lather on doesn’t help much I suppose. Maybe it'll get better when it hasn't been over 100 degrees for 33 straight days...

• My cravings have been consistent. I have enjoyed watermelon, cantaloupe, peaches, banana’s nectarines, boiled egg whites, almonds, sunflower seeds, pumpkin seeds, yogurt, cheese (cheddar and string), and cereal. I honestly eat about 3 bowls of cereal each day. Before I realized it, I have accumulated frosted shredded wheat, honey nut cheerios, rice krispies, corn pops, fruity pebbles, cocoa puffs, and honeycombs in my cabinet. I don’t know how this happened, but I’m not gonna fight it. I have always like variety. One day, I plan to open up a cereal bar. (Ask me for details later. I have it all planned out!!!)
• James is slowly understanding the idea that a human being is growing inside of my belly. He is the type of husband and Daddy that I have always wanted when it comes to one. He is constantly walking by me and rubbing his hand on my belly. My favourite time of each day is when we go to bed, and when we first wake up. It is reserved for getting a few cuddles in before the rush of the day begins, and when the rush of the day ends. Now, instead of him holding me in order to go to sleep, or kissing me to wake me up, he is holding and kissing both me and Baby M. I love it, and I crave it at the beginning and end of each day. It truly helps me get out of bed each morning with a warm heart.

Since I blogged last we have transitioned from peach, to lemon, to naval orange! I love it! Right now, Baby M can rest comfortably in the palm of my hand from the tip of my middle finger, to the bottom of my palm. Pretty amazing...

So I’m sure you’re dying to hear about my day on Monday, August 1, 2011. It was pretty awesome the night before actually, so that is where I will start.

Me and Jim were laying in bed, and talking about how we thought Baby M was a boy. We talked about how different life would be, even in 24 hours. I thought about how this night was the last night that I would wonder if would spend my life worrying about the well being of my son, or my daughter. It was amazing to me that within 24 hours, I would be laying in the exact same spot, doing the exact same thing, but that 10 minutes of my day would change my life forever. It took a while, but I fell asleep with the love of my life holding me and Baby M in his arms.

Monday morning came, and Jim went to work. I stayed in bed and made myself rest until 8:30. (We went to Houston, and were up late all weekend. This was one tired Mama!) My alarm went off, and I was in somewhat of a daze as I got ready. I found myself thinking, “This is the last time I will do (fill in the blank) before I know if I’m having a boy or a girl”. Silly, I know, but I caught myself doing it over and over.

Now, earlier, I mentioned that Jim had gone to work. Our appointment was at 10:30 in Fort Worth, and he had said we should leave at 9:45. I agreed, and when the clock struck 9:45 and there was no dust in sight, I picked up the phone to call. “Wait.” I thought. “I’ll be patient, and give him a few minutes. 5 minutes passed, and then I called. When he answered, there was no, “Hello?” It was a hurried, “I’m on our road. Be there in a second.” Then dead air. I gathered my 5 blank VHS tapes, (they told me to bring 1 to record the sonogram, but I’ll have you know, you can’t buy ONE VHS tape. Lord knows everyone needs bulk VHS tapes these days, and so you need to buy 5 at a time for $10.00.)

Anyway, he flies into the driveway and I’m waiting with my bag of snacks, a bottle of water, my VHS tapes, and my purse. I get in and he is on the phone. (His business phone, as opposed to his personal phone). He makes a pit stop at the dumpster, and proceeds to clean out his truck. I take note that his dashboard clock clearly says 10:00. I don’t say anything because he is on a business call. We get down to the end of our 2 mile driveway, and his fuel light comes on. Seriously?

We go to the new Loves gas station, and pull in to get gas. It is now 10:07, and I am having a mini panic attack. Our appointment is now in 23 minutes, and we are in Rhome. Great. I start thinking that we are going to be late, and my doctor is going to give away my time slot and we won’t know until next time if Baby M is a boy or a girl. I did something that I never thought I would do, but out of frustration, lack of communication because he was still on the phone, and anxiety, I did it. *SNAP SNAP SNAP* As he is pumping gas, I snapped my fingers. He poked his little pea pickin’ head inside and I gently reminded him that our appointment was at 10:30. He mouths, “I’m trying to get us there”. I burned a hole in the dashboard clock that read 10:09, and calculated 21 minutes… I leaned back in the seat, and began looking at baby names to calm my nerves. Long story short, we pulled into the doctors parking lot at 10:36.

Once we got there, I went and did the whole urine sample thing like you’re supposed to, and then realized that every single patient that Dr. Robbins has was there. Seriously. It was like she was giving away free money, and people came from all over to get it. We had 2 appointments. One was with the sonographer, and the other was my monthly check-up with Dr. Robbins. We waited over an hour to see the sonographer, and I actually felt guilty for rushing us so hard to get there by 10:30.

He calls my name, and we walk into the room that houses a big flat screen TV, a bunch of medical equipment, and an examination table. He makes small talk, while reading my chart and then a smile comes to his face when he discovers that we are going to have a life altering moment before we leave the room.

“So, you get to find out if you’re having a boy or a girl today?” We both excited and anxiously said yes, and looked at each other like two teenagers who had just fallen in love.

I felt nervous. I don’t know why, but I did. It was a good nervous though. Like, the kind of nervous you get just before you accept an award, or before you walk across the stage to get your diploma. Maybe anxious is a more fitting word. I laid back, and prepared my tummy to become a portal into a world that we have only seen twice. He put the gel on me, and within 10 second of the wand being on my body, he says, “I know what it is…” I looked at the screen, and felt myself fighting back tears. I couldn’t make out what the image was, but it was killing me that someone other than me and James knew the sex of our child! I admitted to both of them that I couldn’t tell what it was, and secretly thought that I was already a bad mother because I couldn’t see my own child.

He showed us Baby M’s head, tummy, spine, legs, arms, kidney’s, and heartbeat. It was amazing. We listened to the rapid 154 beats per minute heart rate, and then our little miracle turned and looked right at the camera. It was hysterical! I grabbed Jim’s arm and wished that he could lay down with me and enjoy this moment as close to me as possible. The little mouth on the screen began moving up and down in a sucking motion. I laughed, and Baby M responded by kicking back, arms locked behind the head, and legs up in the air, then the kicking began. It was breath-taking to see something like that moving inside of me.

The sonographer asked 3 words that I was more than ready to hear, “Are y’all ready?” I gripped Jim’s arm, and caressed it with my thumb as the sonographer put the cursor on top of our baby’s genitalia. I still had no clue as to what I was looking at. Was it a penis, or a vagina? If I could study for an exam as hard as I studied this image staring me in the face, I would keep a 4.0 GPA for the rest of my life.

“Congratulations. Say hello to your little…” Time stood still. He was being the most cruel sonographer in the history of sonographers. It was probably only about 5 seconds, but it seemed like eternity that he paused. I had time to look at Jim, look at him, look back at the screen, and the look at him again waiting for an answer. It was like a friggin’ movie!!!

Then, the sweetest word in the English language was spoken, “Girl.”

I looked at Jim, and his reflection matched mine. Eyes were wide, mouth was dropped open, and face was flush. My eyes were defective and leaking at this point. It is something I don’t know how to describe. I couldn’t control it. The happiest tears that have ever left my eyes fell in that moment. “A girl? I’m going to have a daughter?” The longer I thought about it, the more the tears came. “A little girl. I’m going to be a Mama, and I’m going to have a little girl.” The word girl kept running through my head, and I realized that I wanted this little girl more than anything in this entire world. I had convinced myself that since we had so easily come up with a boys name, that we were having a boy. I figured that was God’s way of giving me a break, and the chance to plan out this thing a little more. We had struggled with a girl’s name, and it just “felt like a boy”. To hear the sonographer say we would have a little girl in January was better than any drug, and high, any kind of man made potion to make you feel elated. It was a dose of a miracle from God, and there just aren’t words to describe the love that filled my heart in an instant.

To see the reflection of love in my husband, and the father of my little girl inside of me was miraculous. The sonographer said that they no longer use VHS tapes to capture the video of the sonogram, but next time to bring a flashdrive. (Good thing too, b/c the Texas heat zapped the images when we got to the truck. Luckily I had taken a few snapshots with my phone before the all turned pitchen black!!!) We left the room, and floated out to the lobby to gaze at the first 4 pictures that so clearly showed the image of our daughter’s head, face, tummy, arms, and legs. She was healthy, and we were happy.

For the next hour, we waited in the waiting room to see our doctor for my check-up. We had time to discuss a lot of things, and some of them, I will keep reserved in my memory and take them with me to my grave. Some things are just so amazing, you should treasure them keep them for only yourself. This was one of those times.

One thing I will share is this: While waiting on our name to be called, we decided we wanted to name her immediately. She had a personality on the screen, and we saw it. Jim said that she was, “babbling already” and he shook his head. (I just kept thinking how much power this little miracle was going to have over her Daddy…)

For a boy, we had decided on the name Caysen James Cash McGilvray. James is a family name that has been carried on for 3 generations in my husband’s family. His grandpa on his dad’s side is named James Leroy McGilvray Sr., his dad is named James Leroy McGilvray Jr., and my husband’s name is James William (after his maternal grandfather, William- nicknamed Bill. This is why you sometimes hear me call him Jimmy Billy!!! Bahaha!!!).             

 James Cash Snodgrass was my mom’s dad. He was an amazing man, and loved by everyone he knew. He even has a park in Boyd dedicated to him. The James Snodgrass Memorial Park. I swear to you that I have never heard anyone say one negative thing about him. I miss him terribly, and wish that he were here to hold my daughter when she entered this crazy messed up world, but I have it even better. I know that he has already had a hand on her, and will continue to live on through her.

We have chosen to name our daughter, “Maddison Cash McGilvray”.

It was Jim’s idea to put Cash in there, and it amazed me that even though I have reserved the name James Cash for my first son since I was 13 years old, my husband suggested we use Cash for our first daughter. Tears filled my eyes, and I agreed that Maddi Cash would a name that fits perfectly into our little family.

We left the doctor Monday with a good bill of health for me, and for Maddison. I am doing everything just as I should be, and even getting the exercise that is needed for her to be an even healthier newborn.

Each month, I wonder, “Gosh. Can it get any better than this?” And each month, it does. I can’t wait to hold my little Maddi Cash, and show her just how much love one family has to give.

Keep praying. It’s working.