Mercies in Disguise

Although I haven’t delivered my first born just yet- I’m amazed at my protective instincts that have kicked in. From the evil glares I give smokers around me, to dropping everything in hand to protect my stomach in mid fall, it’s is all instinct.

You will all get a kick out of this I’m sure. One afternoon last week, I was headed out. I had just left my driveway when I noticed something in the ditch. It was a new born bull calf. He didn’t have an ear tag, so it was suggested that he was just hours old. He was across the road and tangled up in some brush.

That mother’s instinct kicked in. I pulled over, and my 5 month pregnant self tried to soothe this scared baby who resembled a dog panting on a hot summer’s day. He was exhausted from trying to get out of the brush, and into the wrong pasture. He developed a trust for me, and let me coem close enough to touch him. As I was talking to him, out of the corner of my eye I see a full grown cow running toward me.

 Mother’s Instinct.

She was bellowing and it appeared she was telling me to get away from her baby. There was no way to get the calf to its mother other than to pick it up and carry it. I said a quick prayer that I wouldn’t be hurt in this process, and I scooped the baby up in my arms. I carefully walked a few dozen yards over to Mama, and as she silently watched, I scooted her baby to her. She nudged him several times to make him get up, and within minutes, he was eating. When I walked back to my truck- she let out a soft moan. Without hesitation, I turned and looked at her and said, “You’re welcome.”

Mother’s Instinct.

Another blogging moment I thought of was when I went to Wal-Mart last week. Ahhh Wal-Mart. I look forward to the day when I have a screaming toddler that I long to escape by taking a trip to this place. For years, I have heard stories from girlfriends who see this source of my stress as their sanctuary. It’s a place where you can go, and just be for 1, 2, or even 3 hours. For now though- it is what my mom likes to refer to as, “Hell-Mart”.

I admit that my mom’s opinions have had major influence on me over the years, but I have to agree with her on this one- for now. Adding pregnancy on top of “Hell-Mart” is like filing your nails to a sharp point, and then scraping them down a chalkboard. It makes me cringe.

I have a theory. The older I get, the more forgetful I become. I have begun parkingon the same row each time I go to “Hell-Mart” This eliminates the confusion after being secluded from the outside world for hours upon end, of where you parked your dang car! I don’t care if I have to park at Jack in the Box. I know that when I come out of “Hell-Mart”, I will eventually find my car on that particular row. I digress…

So, I leave my house to go make a minimal purchase of $200.00. I have 2 lists. One is for gift baskets I volunteered to make for some of the faculty at TWU as a part of the welcome back whatever. The other is a list of items needed at home- milk, eggs, cheese, bread, gain, toothpaste, water purifier filter, dishwasher soap,- you know… the essentials.

I get to my row and find a close parking spot. I rejoice since it is a sweltering 108 degrees outside, and I have sweat dripping down my entire backside as I enter through the plume of cigarette smoke, I begin the scavenger hunt for my two lists. Oh. Em. Gee. Where the heck are they?! As strangers walked by, I’m sure they thought I had lost something of great value by the frantic way I was searching, but my roadmap to this madhouse was gone. I didn’t care how I appeared. I gave up searching and figured I would just go by memory. This was at 11:45am.

First, I went and got the 3 baskets for the faculty, and spent about an hour finding various goodies for them. (Later I found out that I was supposed to make 4 goodie baskets, but whatever. I’m done caring at this point). I went on about my business, and took note that it was now 1:00, and I didn’t pack one single snack. I had eaten a big breakfast, but my metabolism is fast as it is, and Maddison was getting hungry too. Not a good place to be when you’re hungry…

I gathered as much as I could from memory, and felt like I was forgetting something. At this point, it was nearing 2:15pm. My legs hurt, and feet hurt, my stomach was growling, Maddi was kicking, I had drank all of my water, and although I was surrounded by food, the smell of the Salisbury steak being handed out was making my breakfast touch the punching bag in the back of my throat.

I vaguely remembered that my temporarily forgotten item was in the plumbing section, so I headed that way. I was so tired, and it felt like the closer I got to the plumbing section, the more the air conditioning wasn’t working. I made it to the toilet seats, and for the life of me, I could not remember what I needed to get. I knew it was important. It was something that I needed so that I could use it every day. WHAT WAS IT?!

I’m hungry.

I’m tired.

I’m thirsty.

I’m hot.

I’m crying.

I’m crying?! Crap.

I’m having a meltdown in “Hell-Mart” and I just want to leave.

My stubbornness wouldn’t allow me to abandon my hours worth of hard labor, only for some underpaid, 39 hours a week, 60 year old woman, with no benefits to put away all of the crap I had just accumulated.

What was my solution?

Mama. Mother's Instinct.

I couldn’t call her because if I did, I would surely lose it in this store, and be banned from shopping there anymore. I texted her, and after a few minutes, I felt somewhat better.

“WATER FILTER!!!”

That’s what it was! I was supposed rto get a water filter for our faucet!!! I proceed to push my 200 pound basket to the water filters, and once I found them, I studied each one carefully.

Now, I have never purchased a replacement water filter. I was unaware of what I was getting myself into. Apparently, if you reach this point of the “Hell-Mart” pregnancy experience, you will pay big bucks for an entirely new faucet filtration system just to make sure when you get home, the filter fits.

 I didn’t care.

I. wanted. to. go. home.

I get to the checkout line, (I think there were 9 lanes open, 4 of which are 20 items or less, 1 is 10 items or less). I get in a line that has 5 baskets in front of me.

Oh. Em. Gee.

I’m so over this.

I turn to my newest addiction for comfort. Facebook? Nope- PINTEREST!

The time passes slowly enough for me to realize this: I have to put this all up when I get home.

Here it is 108 degrees, not the slightest breeze, and by the time I get home, it will be the heat of the day.

Fabulous.

I get everything loaded, and sit in my truck. For 10 minutes, I sat there with my eyes closed, air blowing full blast (even though James says not to do that as soon as your start your truck), and let the sweat dripping off of me cool my body.

I called my mom to tell her I didn’t feel good, and her response was to just “Go by the ER and see Aunt Tonya”. Again, I wasn’t about to abandon this pile of gold in my backseat. I had planned to take only the cold items inside, and leave the rest for James to carry in later.

He called on my way home, (Thank you Lord), and I asked for his help.

Wouldn’t you know it, when he saw all of the grocery bags in my truck, he said this: (Can  you wives guess what is coming next? You got it…) “How much did all of this cost?”

I stopped in my tracks, and just looked at him. After everything I had been through, I wasn’t about to try and win an argument.

I honestly can’t even remember what my response was. I’m pretty sure I rolled my eyes, and said something sarcastically like, “No, I feel fine now- thanks.” He was aware of my “Hell-Mart” experience, and was walking on thin ice.

I ate some fruit and peanut butter, drank some water, and laid down.

2 hours later- I woke up.

Tuesday came, and it was time to deliver the baskets. The following is an email I sent out to a couple of people after this particular incident. I needed to be heard, and so here is what I sent:

“Picture this: I took the time to purchase enough goodies for a small army in order to fill 3 baskets to give some of the faculty at TWU (for an organization I'm in, not because I'm a brown noser!!!) so, I get to the school and am forced to park literally several hundred yards from my building. (darn those undergrads!) I must carry: 3 baskets full of goodies, 2 target bags full of more goodies, my tote containing my books, my lunch bag, and let's not forget my Fuzzy's Taco drink. I set out for this mini adventure and about 50 yards in, I realize I left my lunch bag sitting beside my truck. I turn around and can see it screaming for me to come back. I go back and get it, and start trucking back uphill toward my building. Yes- uphill. Numerous people pass me as I am gasping for air and my limbs are shaking from carrying everything when WHAM! The sidewalk jumps up and grabs my foot!!! I stumble and in the process of protecting Maddison if I fell, I lost the top basket as well my Fuzzy's drink.

 I almost cried as I picked everything up, but I held my frustration in. It looked like a parade had come through town with all the scattered candy, and I was completely embarrassed as I was picking everything up. I wiped my sweat and continued my uphill journey. I realized I sounded like an overheated dog when I reached the bottom of the stairs at my building and saw the 3 double doors I had to open, and more stairs to climb in order to reach my final destination. No. One. Helped. Me. I got upstairs, laid everything down, and just sat.”

True story.

Tuesday night, I had a meltdown.

I got home late from class. About 9:00pm.

Blue was missing. (He was gone for 24 hours, but a good citizen brought him home safe!!!)

Thank goodness James was cooking dinner.

I had been in Denton since 9:00am, and just wanted to go stand in my shower. I’m not sure that I even cared about soap or shampoo at this point. I wanted one candle, 6 beers (wanted, not had), and hot water. As I was standing there with the water beating on me, I began sobbing.

I was lost.

I was overwhelmed.

I was tired.

I was burned out with school.

I was confused.

I was scared.

I hated my internship site, I didn't feel safe. It wasn't me- AT ALL.

I was mad at myself.

I was sad with myself.

I was beginning to slowly feel relief.

My tears were ssaying so much that I couldn’t, and as they blended in with the water and my prayers, I started feeling better.

I. Let. It. All. Go.

Fast forward to Wednesday night.

Long story short- my advisor renewed my faith in my decision to become a therapist. I feel the same fire for therapy that I lost somewhere along the way.

My week has gotten better.

I feel Maddison constantly now. I love it. She is the size of a cantaloupe this week, and I'm amazed at how I can feel her down so low, and up so high at the same time. She kicks and punches so hard. It is incredibly distracting, but by NO MEANS am I complaining.

I'm missing out on alot of my "friend stuff" but when I feel her move, I couldn't care less about not being able to go out with all my friends anymore. It's tougher than I thought it would be when I have to say no to going out dancing, or to going and grabbing a drink at a smoke filled bar. It makes me feel so disconnected and left out. It's really hard between being married, being in grad school, and being pregnant, to have a social life--- but it is SO worth. 

I can already tell that I will miss this feeling. It makes me kind of sad to know she won't be inside me for much longer. Sad in an good way- if that's possible.

Is it weird that I'm already proud of her? That I'm proud of me for supplementing her growth, and nurturing her?

She is growing so fast. I love that I am so close to the Lord's creation right now.



21 weeks  A Cantaloupe



Absoultely. Amazing.

I have a prenatal massage at 1:00 today (James' idea), and I think I will go get my toe nails painted this morning.

Self. Care.

I need to do that. I need to care for me and my life long best friend growing inside of me.

Crazy though, right? How you don’t even have to utter a word, but it’s like the tears that fall are unspoken prayers to God.

He hears them.

He knows them.

He made them.

He heals them from tears of anger, sadness, frustration, disappointment- into joy, love, excitement, passion, acceptance, happiness, and assurance.

Keep praying. It’s working.