Happiness: To Pursue, or To Create?

Recap of my first weekend knowing that a life was growing inside of me:

Friday morning, I woke up and got ready for work. I grabbed my Miss Me jeans from my closet, and as I tried to button them, I noticed that I was INCREDIBLY  bloated! I couldn't even get them buttoned. Immediately, I laughed out loud and took a picture. Technology made it easy to laugh at myself and so I sent it to my closest friends and family. I know I know only about 6 weeks pregnant and that I'm not "showing", but I am bloated and retaining water for sure!

I think I'm going to miss my Miss Me jeans...

I left work and went home to prepare for participating in my first Relay for Life. I got home, made a sandwich, and set my alarm for 6:30, which would have given me 30 minutes to get to the track and start walking. 

After eating my sandwich, and cuddling up on the couch under one of the amazing quilts that my Grandma Fisher made especially for me, I quickly realized just how exhausted I was. For a few seconds, I closed my eyes, and told myself that I should just stay home, and get some rest. There were going to be hundreds of people walking at relay for Life, and no one would even notice if I was there, I’m sure. I pondered what it would feel like to have chemicals from chemotherapy treatments running throughout my body, and I wondered if the tired and achy feeling in me resembled the lingering fatigue that cancer patients often felt after chemo. treatments. When my alarm went off, I knew that I had to go walk, even if it was only for a couple of hours. When I got to the track, I was greeted by dozens of women wearing purple shirts with the word, “SURVIVOR” on the back. As I walked inside the field, I looked for my friend and teammate, Brandi, but I couldn’t find her. I decided to meander through the crowd, and see if I knew anyone there. Surprisingly, I didn’t recognize any faces. As inspirational songs played in the background, my analytical self began thinking about how cancer doesn’t have a face. I thought about how it can strike anyone at anytime, and age doesn’t matter. I decided then and there that I was walking for one of the greatest men that I’ve ever known: Leny. I won’t go into detail, but he and his family inspired me more than I will ever be able to explain with words. The only way you would ever be able to see the influence, is to see my soul. There just aren’t words. :’)

My bestie Brandi and Me at Relay for Life

I enjoyed my time at the track with one of my best friends, and when I got home, I walked in to find James asleep on the couch. I tiptoed around and tired not to wake him. He is by far the hardest working man I’ve ever met. I let him sleep since it was way past 10:30 and I still hadn’t had dinner. Since I am trying to grow this little bean spout in my belly, I figured I would cook up some chicken and rice with a side of folic acid, I mean - spinach. While the chicken was simmering, I thought about how blessed my life is. I looked at the fan that was keeping the air cool, the tv flickering that was telling the nightly news, the aroma of food that was filling the air and the friendships that I have that help me put one foot in front of the other when I feel like stopping in my tracks. I fixed my plate and moved to the bedroom while trying not to disturb James. I couldn’t help but think about how we had created this life that was inside of me. I mean, I knew that was our goal in trying to conceive, but I had no idea that I would be so full of joy. For years, I had dreamed about having a baby, and now it was in the process of happening. It still seemed surreal. A little while later, I asked my husband to move from the couch to the bed, and in a cloudy few moments, he did. When we got to bed, my thoughts were racing through my head about how truly blessed I am. I could NOT fall asleep! I am beyond exhausted, but I just kept thinking and thinking about how great my life is! Strange thing to keep you up at night, right? Counting your blessings, naming them one by one? That’s what I did, and I fell asleep in doing so. Much better than counting sheep. 

I woke up Saturday morning with James’ hand over my lower abdomen. This feeling was better than any hug I think I have ever gotten. It is pretty awesome to wake up to butterflies in your stomach. I smiled, and we chatted about our future for a few minutes.  James decided that the day was getting away from him, and at 6:30 on a Saturday morning, he was ready to landscape the entire yard. I felt somewhat rested and at 7:30, I decided to begin the planning process for a grad school party I was planning later that afternoon/evening.

I did a few dishes, did a few loads of laundry, took a shower, fixed my hair, and then- wanted to take a nap!

I have said it a few times, but OMG! I am absolutely amazed at how this little tadpole looking creature completely zaps all of my energy out of me! Although I feel beyond exhausted, I still don’t FEEL pregnant. Now I am fully aware that what I am about to write will probably make each of you reading this laugh out loud, but I’ll admit what I did next. Since I haven’t puked my toenails up yet, I decided to take another home pregnancy test. LOL! I’ll let you guess what the results yielded. Of course. Positive…again. I was satisfied, and I went and grabbed a quick nap before my first guest, Tiffany arrived. 

Tiffany and I had fun getting the items ready for the party. Hamburger meat-Check. Buns- Check. Condiments- Check. Beer- Check. WAIT… BEER?! When I agreed to host this party for my grad school girlfriends, I wasn’t pregnant, and truly didn’t think I would be pregnant by the time May 21 arrived. Ehh, how hard can it be to be surrounded by every one of your friends while they cool off by the pool with an ice cold beverage? This makes me sound like a horrible mother-to-be I’m sure, but I was somewhat jealous of those surrounding me. I made a beautiful concoction that I am debating naming “Fizzy Cranberries” or “ I’m Pregnant and want a cocktail but can’t have alcohol so I’ll pretend that I’m drinking something fruity and fun but it’s only sprite and cranberry juice.” Not sure if a bartender would know how to make that or not… I have to laugh at myself sometimes, I swear… lol Fizzy Cranberries it is!

As the party began, I quickly noticed that although I didn’t LOOK pregnant, I sure felt it. I was hot, and tired, and now starting to feel sharp cramps on my right side of my lower abdomen. I was exhausted. By the time 7:00 rolled around, I was ready to get out of the heat, away from the flies, and put on some pajama pants, a tank top, and curl up in my recliner at mi casa. I LOVE being a hostess, but at this point, I didn’t care if everyone stayed or left. Not sure if that’s the hormones talking, or if I am being a “good mom” by taking care of my body. Either way, I was pleasantly surprised when I mentioned to my girlfriends that I was having some mild cramps and wanted to go lay down. Like fire ants scrambling to rebuild their broken home, they were buzzing around gathering items that needed to be taken to my home. Their mission was to get me comfortable as quickly as possible, and I wasn’t going to argue. My heart was warmed as I began to learn to let someone “take care of me”. 

We got to my house, and in the air conditioning. Life was good again. I took a Tylenol and relaxed as me and my C&D girls watched the Mavs play. Not only have these ladies been there for me when I need emotional support, but when my body was threatening me to lay down and relax, they acted quickly, and wouldn’t hardly let me get off the couch. Yet another blessing to add to my list. 

This blog didn’t have a theme other than me recognizing that my life is overflowing with blessings. At what point do you ask the Lord, “Why me?” I’m not sure what I did to deserve the life I lead, but I am completely thankful. 

“Life is full of beauty. Notice it. Notice the bumble bee, the small child, and the smiling faces. Smell the rain, and feel the wind. Live your life to the fullest potential, and fight for your dreams.”~ Ashley Smith