Worry Wart...

For as long as I can remember, I’ve been a planner. I can remember being very young and making a list of what items to clean first within the small living quarters of my bedroom. I made a list of items to pack when going to various camps and vacations throughout my life, and I won’t mention spontaneity as one of my more charming qualities. Although I was ecstatic, and AM ecstatic to find out and know that I was pregnant this past week, I am a planner at heart, and I want so badly to begin the process.

While daydreaming about decorating the nursery one day, someone asked me what I was thinking about. I mentioned that I was wondering about what kind of baby furniture I was going to get. I had never really looked at cribs before, and the thought of one being in my house gives me butterflies. The response I got after I was sharing my excitement felt like someone literally kicked me in the stomach.  “Maybe you shouldn’t get so excited just yet. Something really bad could happen between now and then.” I’m somewhat of a pushover, so I agreed and of course, those words have played over and over in my head since they were spoken. “Maybe you shouldn’t get so excited just yet. Something really bad could happen between now and then.” It wasn’t just this one person though. I bet I have had 10 people say things along these exact same lines. “You probably should have waited to tell everyone. Something could happen to the baby because you’re not that far along yet.” (Are you freaking kidding me?!) I am fully aware that no one in my life would ever deliberately say or do anything to hurt me in any way, but come on!!!

 Does society not think that newly expecting mothers are terrified every minute of every day that there is a ginormous chance that ‘something bad could happen between now and then?’ I mean, really?! I’m not sure if this is a normal frustration to be having at this point, but every morning when I wake up, and every night when I go to sleep (not to mention the dozens of times per day), I pray that God will protect my little orange seed growing in my belly. Hearing these negative comments makes the worry that much worse. I know what COULD happen, but all I can do is pray that it doesn’t.

At the age of 27, I have been to the bottom of the valley, and made it through by the pure grace of God, and I know that no matter what happens, I will be alright. I’m not saying that I don’t trust the Lord, I do, but this feels so different this time. When I was little, I remember my cat, Sammi, “running away” and I prayed everyday for weeks that God would just please send her home to me. When I went through a terrible break-up a few years ago, I could not fathom why God would allow me to hurt and sink into the depression that I did. I prayed for the relationship to somehow be reconciled, and it seemed like that would fix everything. Just a month ago, my sweet Rocky was very sick, and I prayed that he get better, but he didn’t. I know bad things happen, and while we don’t understand them at the time, it all molds us into who we are destined to become. I appreciate life so much more because of the trials that have brought me to where I am.  I know that God has a plan for James and I, and this little orange seed inside of me.

This blog was created to help me get things just like this off my chest, and even though some people think technology is some strange addiction that people are obsessed with, I truly think that this will help me through the process of my beautiful life for the next year. I usually go back and re-read these to make sure they don’t sound stupid, but this time, I am exposing my raw self, and am not going to change one single word. I will however ask for prayers for myself and Baby M. Please pray for a safe and full-term, healthy pregnancy. Also, pray that my worries about the unknown are put at ease. If my little orange seed is anything like his Mama and Daddy, it’ll be just fine.